


What am I without you?

by Jutschina



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, CoE AU, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:11:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jutschina/pseuds/Jutschina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of the 456, Jack chose to disappear - and Ianto has nothing left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What am I without you?

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this one came when I rewatched the last scene of CoE Day 5 and wondered what would have happened if Gwen had died instead of Ianto. Jack wouldn't just leave Ianto like this... would he? So this fic developped, but I don't see it as a "Fix it" because in this version Gwen had to die, and I love her as well.

Ianto flinched and jumped up as his phone started ringing. He exchanged a quick look with Rhys who was sitting on the park bench next to him and who now asked nervously: "Who is it?"

Ianto shrugged his shoulders - the display showed an unknown number - and took a deep breath before he answered the call. "Who's there?"

"Ianto..."

The welsh man closed his eyes in relief as he recognized the voice. "Jack", he whispered with a smile. "Jack, I was worried... We didn't hear anything of you last night... I thought-" _Well, maybe not that you're dead. But who knows what they could have done to you..._ Ianto blinked to get the dark thoughts out of his head. "So, um, we've heard it. We've heard what they said. That it's over, that the 456 are gone. Is it true?"

"Yes."

Ianto frowned. Jack's answer was so monotonous and flat... as if he didn't care. "Jack? Is everything alright? What happened?"

"Is Rhys with you?", Jack asked in the same defeated voice, completely ignoring Ianto. A cold shiver went down the welsh man's back. He shot a short squint at Rhys who, by now, was standing next to him, his eyes fixed on Ianto's lips, following every word he said. Ianto swallowed hard. "Yes, he is. Jack... tell me what happened. And what about Gwen? Is she with you?"

Next to him, Rhys shifted. "What is it? Ianto, tell me! Is Gwen alright? She is, isn't she?"

Ianto didn't answer. He waited. On the other end of the line there was silence. Then, finally, a whisper. "It was my fault. It's all my fault. I'm sorry."

Ianto's mind just went blank. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out.

"Ianto? Ianto, is Gwen there? Could you please tell Jack to bloody let me speak to her?!"

He turned his face to Rhys. His view blurred as he couldn't hold back the tears that were burning in his eyes.

Rhys shook his head. "What is it, huh? What? No, noooo, Gwen's alright, I know she is!", he shouted, reaching for the phone, but Ianto held on to it with a tight grip.

"Jack...", he breathed in a trembling voice. "Tell me she isn't-- Please..."

"She is. Gwen is dead. I'm sorry." Jack sounded so calm - too calm - empty. Another short silence, then - "Goodbye, Ianto."

The young man jerked back and felt like his heart stopped beating for a moment. "Jack? Jack, what's going on? What are you doing? Where are you? _Where are you?_ " He heard the Captain hanging up, and still he kept calling his name, shouting it and whispering it, angry and crying, until Rhys finally knocked the phone out of his hand and grabbed him by his shoulders. "Ianto! Tell me what's going on! Where's Gwen? What the fuck happened?"

Ianto stared at the phone that now lay abandoned in the grass. He tried to calm down and process, but in his mind he still could hear Jack's last words. With a blank face, he finally whispered: "Gwen's dead. And Jack's gone."

Then he suddenly found himself on the ground as Rhys' legs gave away and the man collapsed, pulling Ianto down with him.

OoO

Over the next few days, Ianto managed to slowly piece together what had happened. How Gwen, being all her brave and fierce and stubborn self, had followed Jack to Thames House. How she'd died there, poisoned by the 456, along with dozens of other people. How Jack had been imprisoned and then rescued by the very same people that had killed him just days ago. How they'd trusted him now to save the world, and how he'd done it... using his own grandson as transmitter for the signal to the 456 - killing Steven in the process.

Every new bit of information made Ianto cringe; more than ever he wished that he'd been by Jack's side, and he cursed himself that he hadn't been.

But somehow, he had just ended up with the laptop that held the records of the government's decision to give the children to the 456, waiting for a signal to release the information to the public - or to do anything at all. No signal had come.

Then the next day had dawned and brought chaos down to earth. Ianto had found himself alone and lost, having no idea what had happened to Jack, or to Gwen and Rhys. The politicians and the media had spoken of a "return to normality", but as soon as he had heard of the innoculations, Ianto had known that the children were in danger.

He'd phoned Rhi and told her to keep Mica and David at home and to spread the word, and then, finally, he'd found Rhys. Rhys had been lost even more than Ianto. He'd told him that Gwen was gone. There'd been a fight between her and Jack as she'd tried to convince the Captain that she should go with him to Thames House, and after he'd gone off alone, she'd just left as well.

That had been all that the two of them had known by then. Ianto had been thinking about finally releasing the records to the public - he didn't know what else to do - when they'd watched how the 456... just disappeared.

Ianto had seen the yellow flash of light rising up into the sky - he hadn't been sure what to make of it at first, but then, as if his brain finally had started working properly again, he'd managed to use the laptop to get himself into the government's communication systems.

 _"They're gone. The 456 are gone"_ \- that's what they'd heard them say.

And then, Jack had called.

OoO

It took him a while to process everything, but eventually Ianto woke up one morning and realised that his life had been shattered into pieces. He had nothing left.

Torchwood had been all he'd had. After Canary Wharf, he'd had to take care of Lisa. She'd been his priority, his responsibilty, his first thought every morning, and it had been just when she was dead that Ianto had understood how much Torchwood Three had become part of his life, for better or worse. He'd realised that it hadn't been all about keeping Lisa safe - no, he loved his work and cared for the team... and their leader. The Hub had become his home, and the people there - Tosh and Gwen and Owen, and most of all Jack - had become his family.

_Look at me now. No Hub. No Team. No Jack._

Everything Ianto had been for the past three years was gone, just like that.

At first, he got along - mechanically reorganising his life, no time yet to lose his mind. Suddenly, he was glad that he'd never given up his flat, even though he'd barely used it lately, spending the nights with Jack in the Hub (and the work-filled days anyway, especially after Owen's and Tosh's deaths). Even better was that he still had most of his furniture there, as well as some spare clothes. Though money wasn't a problem either; in the process of cleaning up the chaos that the events involving the 456 had caused, Torchwood's name got cleared and Ianto got his full rights back from the official side, including the access to his bank account. And the Torchwood paychecks were good.

But then he started drifting. He knew that this was the worst thing he could do, being a man who needed to work just like he needed to breathe, but he couldn't help it. The days passed by and Ianto just sat there, thinking: _It would be rubbish to look for a job. Jack will be back soon, and then we need to rebuild Torchwood. Pointless to look for a job now. He's coming back._ And, of course - which job could possibly compare with his work at Torchwood?

The only change to the positive was his relationship with his sister and her family. Ianto visited them quite often by now, whenever the loneliness of his flat got too much. He talked with Rhi more than they ever had as children. To Ianto's surprise, he and Johnny got along pretty well, too. All it had taken was a bit of time to really get to know each other. And his relationship with Mica and David finally evolved from the money giving stranger to the uncle who told them all those silly stories about aliens.

But every time Ianto came home to his flat, the loneliness returned as well and made him more and more desperate. He missed the noises and smells and the overwhelming beauty of the Hub. And when he lay in bed, freezing under his blanket, he missed Jack most of all.

Ianto drifted for almost three months.

OoO

Ianto was grateful as his phone started ringing in the middle of the night, saving him from the darkness of his latest nightmare. For a few moments, he just lay there panting, staring at the ceiling, and almost forgetting that the phone was still ringing. He reached out to the nightstand and picked up his mobile with clumsy fingers, squinting as the bright light of the screen blinded him. _Unknown number_. Ianto sighed and cleared his throat, prepared to tell the caller that they dialed the wrong number - who would call him, in the middle of the night, besides the few people whose numbers were in the phone anyway?

"Ianto Jones, who's there?"

"Ianto... it's good to hear your voice..." The answer was just a whisper but the welsh man sat up straight in bed, recognizing the voice by the first syllable of his name.

"Jack! Is it - really you?"

"Yes. Yes, Ianto, it's me."

Ianto suddenly felt hot and cold at the same time, he shivered and panted while he tried to get himself together, to think of words to say - but where should he start? He must have been babbling nonsense, all of his thoughts shuffled together, because eventually the man on the other end of the line started shushing him. "Ianto - Ianto, shhh, please, listen - it's alright - calm down... please, can you try to do that for me?"

Fixing on Jack's voice as an anchor, the welsh man took a deep breath and closed his eyes. _I'm not dreaming, am I?_ He desperately tried to relax and sort his mind... but, well, where _should_ he begin?! It had been three months - three months without any word from Jack... and now...

"Where are you?", he finally asked in a hoarse voice.

Silence. Once again, Ianto was about to panic, afraid that Jack might hang up, just as he had done the last time when Ianto had asked him exactly the same question.

But then, an answer, so short and direct that it made the welsh man laugh. "Rome."

"Huh - Rome?!"

"Yeah. I... I've been traveling during the past months. All sorts of places. Just... going. I had to--- needed to get away... I... I should have called, should have told you, I guess."

 _Oh, that's right, you fucking should have, you bastard!_ Ianto felt a wave of anger rising up inside of him, but it wasn't strong enough to get out - not the slightest match for all those other emotions, relief and confusion and hope and fear, that were so much more present right now.

"So..." Ianto hesitated before asking in a dry voice: "Are you coming back now?"

Another silence. Ianto held his breath.

"I don't know."

"Then why are you calling me now, Jack, after three fucking months?!", Ianto exclaimed. Tears burned behind his eyes, and all of a sudden he was glad that Jack didn't see him right now.

He heard the Captain's voice break. "Because... I couldn't stand it any longer!"

And that was it - those few words, spoken in a tremulous voice, were enough to calm Ianto. He could feel the other man's pain and yearning reflected in his own; he knew that Jack needed him as badly as the welsh man needed the Captain, and all he wanted to do now was to take care of the older man.

"Jack", Ianto began in a smooth and steady voice. "I see why you can't come back yet. Cardiff - too many memories, right? I understand that. But that doesn't mean that I couldn't come to you, does it? I can take the first flight in the morning." He paused for a moment. "Just tell me, will you be there when I come to Rome?"

Jack didn't answer immediately. Ianto could hear him breathing and moving on the other end of the line.

"Well, I... um. Oh - ah, how's... how's Rhys doing?"

The welsh man closed his eyes. Jack's evasion didn't surprise him. "We don't have contact that often", he explained, his voice still calm. "He's okay, I think - considering that he lost his wife and his unborn baby." He regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth. On the other end, he heard Jack sob. "I- I- I didn't want it to sound like- Jack?"

"All my fault, all my fault...", Jack whispered, over and over again.

"Please! It's not, you know that it's not, stop it!" Ianto wished that he could be with him now, wished that he could do more than just speak meaningless words into the mobile phone. "Jack! Please!" As he raised his voice, the other man finally stopped. "It's okay, Jack", he continued soothingly. "It's all fine. Talk to me now, okay? I asked you a question. Answer it. I want to take care of you properly - hey, um, don't you miss my coffee? Not a cup in three months, how do you manage to get through the day?"

It worked. Ianto heard Jack chuckle, and a smile hushed over his face by the sound of it. Hearing Jack laugh had been one of the things he'd missed the most.

Then the Captain answered his question. "Yes. I'll be there."

Ianto's smile widened with relief and excitement. "Very well, sir", he replied in a jaunty voice. "I-- I think I've got quite a few things to get organised. I'll call you back as soon as everything's sorted, what do you say?"

"Yeah. Sounds good."

"Okay... um... well..." Ianto still held the phone pressed to his ear. He didn't want to hang up, a part of him still being afraid that he might just be dreaming, or that Jack wouldn't answer when he called him later, that this was the last time he spoke with Captain Jack Harkness.

Clearing his throat, Ianto put himself together. _Don't be ridiculous_. "Yeah... um... I should probably hang up now---", he muttered.

"Yeah. Don't worry. I won't go anywhere", Jack assured him - probably it wasn't too hard to guess what was on Ianto's mind. "Oh, and Ianto?", he added softly, and the welsh man gripped the phone even tighter.

"Jack?"

"I missed you."

The connection broke before Ianto could respond. For a minute, he just sat there on his bed, staring at the mobile in his hand. Suddenly, it all seemed so surreal that he had to check if he'd actually just received this phone call, or if he'd gone mad already. His heart made a leap as he saw the unknown number that he now simply saved as _Jack_.

Then, with a bright grin on his face, he got up. Work to do.

OoO

Ianto put down his suitcase and sat on the bed. The hotel room was simple, but comfy, and the hotel was near the Piazza Navona, where he would meet Jack later on.

Ianto hadn't wasted any time after Jack's call. In a hurry, he'd packed and organized the flight. He hadn't taken much with him, just the basic toiletry and two of the few suits he still owned - after Jack's disappearance, Ianto had barely worn any (and all of his favourites he'd lost anyway when the Hub had been destroyed).

Later, on his way to the airport, he'd called Jack. The other man had answered the phone almost immediately, and Ianto couldn't help smiling as once again he'd heard the voice that he'd missed so much for three months. Of course, he'd suggested that Jack should meet him right at the airport; but the Captain had hesitated and awkwardly started to try and give reasons why he was against the idea. Ianto's heart had sunken a little as he'd realised that Jack was stalling - nevertheless, he'd interupted the man's futile argumentation, and said, his voice as jaunty as possible: "Okay, time for me to get some rest after the flight, good point. I'll probably need some sleep, barely had any tonight. And I've never been to Rome yet, so I can take in some impressions on my own. And then... well, what do you think of... late afternoon, maybe five o'clock, some big, public place that I won't have any trouble finding? A piazza?"

Jack had agreed without any objection, sugesting the Piazza Navona to meet, and obviously being relieved that Ianto had taken care of things once again, no word lost about Jack's stalling.

And now the welsh man sat here, in his hotel room. It was just about 2pm, but of course he couldn't rest - or even sleep - now. So he showered, changed into fresh clothes - black suit, light blue shirt, striped tie - and left the hotel. Mindlessly, he wandered through the city. He'd never really been out of the UK, except for Torchwood missions - never enough time then for any sightseeing. Maybe he could actually try and enjoy this a little... but of course, in the end Jack was all he could think about. Every few minutes, Ianto checked his watch, nervous and impatient. He didn't know what to expect from his reunion with Jack. Knowing the other man, anything could happen.

Time passed slowly, and after a while, Ianto returned to the hotel. He found some english tourist magazine in the lobby and started reading, only to realize soon that he was reading the same sentence over and over again. He went up to his room, spending the time walking up and down while trying to force his restless body and mind to calm down.

When 4pm passed, Ianto stood in front of the mirror and checked his appearance. He realized that he looked exhausted and a bit muddled, so he splashed some cold water on his face and put on a smile, trying to be optimistic.

Then he left again. It was only a five minute walk to the Piazza, meaning that Ianto had still far too much time left. He slowly wandered around, trying to focus on the sights and the architecture, but he only caught himself looking out for Jack. Finally, Ianto gave up and sank down on a bench, folding and squeezing his hands, his heart pounding faster with every passing minute.

Five o'clock came and passed, and the longer Ianto waited, the more certain he became that Jack wouldn't turn up. _Who knows where he is now? Probably not even in Italy anymore_.

He was close to giving up, already rising from the bench, as he heard someone approaching behind him. With a deep breath, he turned around... and watched Jack getting closer, until they stood only a few feet apart, facing each other.

They didn't speak immediately but observed one another thoroughly. The first thing Ianto noticed was that Jack wasn't wearing his coat, only the usual combination of a dark blue shirt, black trousers and suspenders.

"You look bad", he commented as he further inspected the Captain's appearance. He couldn't really describe it - Jack seemed paler and thinner than the last time Ianto'd seen him, but it wasn't like he'd let himself go, nothing that anyone else would notice - but Ianto did, and he also recognized that particular indescribable look of Jack's, the one he knew far better than he wished to. "You died today."

Jack stared to the ground, only confirming his dry statement. Ianto desperately wanted to hug the other man, wanted to hold him and tell him that it was okay. But it wouldn't be right just now. "You died a lot during the past three months, didn't you?", he continued, sadness filling his voice. He could see it all right there. Jack glanced up to him. He looked miserable. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again and simply nodded.

Ianto sighed heavily. "Didn't do you any good, did it? Doesn't help... I've _sort of_ been there as well, you know - didn't do _me_ any good, for sure."

Jack's eyes widened with surprise at Ianto's words, and the welsh man shrugged his shoulders, thinking of all the times he'd held the gun in his trembling hands, or had stood on top of one of the buldings Jack used to stand on, so tempted to jump. "I lost her too, you know?" _And I lost_ you. He remembered the first weeks after Jack's disappearance, when he'd seen him everywhere, always - a familiar face in a crowd, a glimpse of the greycoat round the corner, a figure in the corner of his eye - so long until he'd finally resigned, accepting that it wasn't Jack, and that it never would be him.

Jack looked down again. "I'm sorry, Ianto", he whispered in a hoarse voice, and Ianto couldn't stand it any longer to see him like this. He closed the distance between them and took Jack's hand. "Don't", he breathed, gently squeezing it. Ianto closed his eyes. He wanted away, wanted to be alone with Jack. "Let's go."

OoO

They didn't speak while they walked, but Ianto kept holding Jack's hand all the way as he lead him with a swift pace back to the hotel and to his room. He closed the door behind them, and just then he hesitantly let go of the other man.

The air in the room was filled with tension as they stared at each other. It lasted approximately twenty seconds - then Jack rushed forward, shoving Ianto against the wall and pressing their lips together. His kiss was aggressive and demanding, and Ianto didn't protest; he responded by opening his mouth to let Jack's tongue in and threw his arms around the man, holding him as tightly as possible.

Finally, they had to pause for breath, still clinging on to each other. _Well_ , Ianto thought soberly, _I guess the Big Talk has to wait_. He rested his forehead against Jack's and simply whispered: "I thought I'd never feel this again." In response, Jack leaned in for another passionate kiss, and they barely let go of each other as they hastily stripped off their clothes. Ianto heard the sound of several buttons of his shirt popping off, but he couldn't care less. He put his hands on Jack's hips and spun the pair of them around, so that now the Captain was pinned to the wall. He ran his hands over Jack's bare body, the body that he'd missed so much, longing to touch every single bit of it, and he felt the other man's hands on himself as Jack tried to do the same with him.

They were both painfully hard, and without further ceremony, Ianto gripped Jack again and threw him down on the bed.

OoO

Several minutes later found the pair of them lying next to each other, both panting and drenched in sweat. Jack shifted, propping his head up on his hand, and glanced down at Ianto. His index finger gently trailed over the other man's chest, making Ianto shiver. "You are beautiful", the Captain whispered with a smile. "You are so beautiful, Ianto Jones. And I have missed you so much."

Ianto let Jack continue for a while, his eyes closed in pleasure at the gentle touch. Then he sat up and leaned against the headbord. Jack hesitated for a moment before he moved to do the same. They sat side by side, their faces turned towards each other. Ianto frowned and bit his lip before he started talking. "You know... I really thought that... that I'd lost you this time. That you'd left for good. I... I wasn't even sure if your were on earth anymore."

Jack sighed and glanced away. "I'm sorry. I really am, Ianto." He placed one hand on Ianto's thigh, longing to lean in and to rest his head against the younger man's chest, but he resisted the feeling. Instead, he raised his gaze to look at Ianto. "But it would be a lie to say that I didn't think about it. I _wanted_ to leave and never come back, that was the plan when I called you after... it all was over."

Ianto cleared his throat and nodded slowly. Nothing that he hadn't expected. He put his hand on top of Jack's, entwining their fingers. "And...", he started nervously. "What made you change your mind?"

Jack smiled. "Do I really need to tell you?", he asked almost in the familiar cheeky tone.

But Ianto couldn't just do it like this. He wasn't stupid nor blind, and yet he needed reassurance - for once, he needed to hear it. He squeezed Jack's hand and answered: "Yes!"

Jack frowned and gave him a bemused look. Then he leaned in close and gently kissed the welsh man's cheek. "You", he whispered under his breath, his lips brushing over Ianto's skin.

Ianto felt a wave of emotions running through his body... all of his fears seemed to be taken away. He turned his head and pressed his lips on Jack's, and they lost each other in a tender kiss that was filled with nothing but love.

When he pulled away, Jack beamed at him, a bright sparkle in his eyes. Affectionately, he ran his hand through Ianto's ruffled hair. The welsh man leaned his head against Jack's shoulder and caressed the Captain's bare chest. "Tell me about the three months. Where have you been? What have you done? And... how _did_ you finally decide to come back-- or, well, to call me?"

Jack closed his eyes and thought about the time after Gwen's and Steven's deaths. It took him a minute to sort his mind, but then he put his arm around Ianto and started speaking.

 

He began with the day of Steven's death - how he'd picked up the phone to call Ianto... he had meant to say so many things - he'd wanted to explain why he needed to leave, and that Ianto had to forget him and move on - but none of the words had left his mouth. He'd dropped the phone and then he'd run away.

He had drifted, just like Ianto, but for him that meant that he'd started to travel - to the big cities of Europe, then America, Asia, Africa, never staying for long in one place.

Shame filled Jack's voice as he told Ianto about his deaths - how he'd killed himself, over and over again, new place, new death - a hopeless cry that never took the pain away, and yet an addiction, a temptation that he couldn't resist.

 

But Ianto didn't judge him, he didn't even say a word. Instead, he covered Jack's shoulder with kisses and tenderly stroked his neck, and the Captain felt more alive than he had in a long time. For a few moments, he indulged in Ianto's caresses, his eyes closed and the world far away. Then he continued.

 

Jack had spent almost 150 years working for Torchwood Three, and all of a sudden it all had gone. Of course, there still was the Rift - meaning, still work to do - but Jack hadn't been able to carry on like this. The Hub had been destroyed, and no team was left - no one except Ianto. Oh, Ianto... Jack had missed the man, every single moment, but how could he return to him after everything that had happened? Jack's heart had broken so many times during his immortal life, and losing Gwen and Steven to the 456... he'd realised how easy - and inevitable - it was to lose Ianto as well.

But going away hadn't helped. He'd missed Ianto's presence; his sensitive, caring nature and his deadpan sass comments - even worse were the nights, without Ianto's strong arms wrapped around him, without his head lying on Jack's chest.

Not even actually realising where this was going, Jack had slowly been coming back, returned to Europe - and finally, he'd understood. He'd thought of Ianto, and every cell in his body had hurt so bad that he'd known he couldn't stand it any longer.

And so, Jack had phoned the welsh man - hearing his voice, for the first time in three months, had finally taken the pain away, and he had wished for nothing more than to hold Ianto in his arms again.

But the excitement had passed and made way for Jack's fears once more - it had been enough to make him shoot himself right after Ianto'd called him back, and almost enough to make him run away again. He couldn't possibly bear to stay, could he, with all that fear of losing Ianto... "But then, how could I bear to leave you again like this?"

 

Jack stopped, exhaling deeply. Sheepishly, he raised his glance towards Ianto. The young man returned the look, compassion and understanding gleaming in his eyes.

Ianto had listened quietly the whole time and had not once interupted Jack. Now, he took his time to process everything that he'd heard.

Eventually, he cleared his throat and whispered: "Thank you. This... it explains many things."

Jack pulled the welsh man in a tight embrace and held onto him for a long time. Slowly, his swirling mind came to rest, and the relief of having it all got out made his heart lighter.

He shifted to face Ianto once again. "Now it's your turn", he said, an encouraging smile on his lips.

And Ianto spoke with the same frankness as Jack had, equally relieved to be able to talk about his struggles and fears, and about how he'd forced himself to keep going, the stubborn faith that Jack would return always in the back of his mind.

After he'd finished, they gazed at each other for a long time. They both had dropped their guards, and they both understood. Jack leaned forward and kissed Ianto softly. "I couldn't do it", he breathed against the other man's mouth. "I couldn't leave you after all. But I shouldn't have gone just like that in the first place. It was selfish."

"It may have been many things, but not that", Ianto muttered. He lifted his hand to stroke the Captain's cheek. "I know why you needed to go. And it's okay. Can you... can you just promise me something?"

Jack pulled away to look into Ianto's eyes. "What is it?"

Ianto swallowed and cleared his throat. His voice was trembling as he spoke. "Can-- can you promise me that you won't leave me again?"

Jack closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again to look at Ianto, there was a sad smile on his lips. His voice was but a whisper. "I'm sorry. I can't."

Ianto felt his cheeks blushing and quickly turned away. "No - _I'm_ sorry... I shouldn't have... can we just forget...", he started mumbling in a croaky voice.

"No, Ianto - Ianto, it's okay! Ianto!" Jack took the welsh man's face into his hands and made Ianto look at him. "Please! You... you have to understand... I'm still so afraid of losing you! I know that the day will come when you--- How could I... I can't promise you that I'll be there... seeing... seeing Gwen die - sacrificing Steven... oh, it broke my heart... what will it do to me if I have to watch you--? I'm not sure if I can do it, please, don't you understand?"

Ianto nodded hesitantly, a wet shimmer in his eyes. "I understand", he whispered, caressing Jack's cheek. "I understand." And he did. He imagined all the pain that Jack had to feel every time when he lost someone. For Jack, there could never be a happy ending, a we-will-grow-old-together... the hope of a reunion in death.

The Captain smiled weakly and leaned his forehead against Ianto's. "But I can promise you one thing - I'll never lie to you, and never make false promises. I'll keep my word, and when I say to you now that I will stay with you for as long as I can, then I mean it. Ianto Jones... my Ianto... is this enough for you?"

Ianto smiled. His heart felt heavy and light at the same time. He nodded. "It is. Of course it is, Jack-" He hesitated. The _"I love you"_ was already on his lips, but then he stopped and just kissed Jack again.

Of course, it was true. Of course, Ianto loved Jack - and of course, Jack loved Ianto. But Ianto knew that the older man feared this phrase - for the two of them, who had never said it to each other, it was too meaningful. Ianto knew, if he spoke those words now, then Jack would return them, and if anything, then that was what could actually bind the Captain to him, make him stay and _not_ leave Ianto even if he wanted to. But Ianto would never oblige Jack like this. _There are no happy endings for Jack_.

And so, the welsh man decided to keep quiet.

OoO

"So, what do we do now?", Jack asked, his head on Ianto's chest and looking up to the man with a grin.

Through the gap between the closed curtains, the bright light of a sunny morning shone into the hotel room. They had spent the night holding onto each other, sweetly making love and finally dozing off in each other's arms.

Ianto raised an eyebrow at Jack's question. "What do you mean?"

"In general. How do we go on from here?"

The welsh man shrugged his shoulders. "I- I don't know. I always assumed that you, if you'd return, would want to rebuild Torchwood."

Jack pondered for a moment and squinted at Ianto. "So that's what you want?"

"Well, someone's gotta take care of the Rift. The Hub may have been destroyed, but not the Rift, right?"

Jack shook his head. "No, but we still have a choice. I mean, there's always UNIT. As far as I know, they're in charge there now already, and you know UNIT - once they've gotten something into their fingers..."

"So you _don't_ want to rebuild Torchwood?", Ianto cut him short, and Jack frowned.

"Wasn't my first thought, no." He snuggled up closer to the welsh man. "Y'know, I've spent a long time with Torchwood. It wasn't all good, but I loved it, most of it, at least. The thing is, I had the chance to meet many good people... only to lose them eventually. One team after another, gone. And I think, maybe it's been too many. Maybe it _is_ time to move on from this life."

Beneath him, Ianto stiffened a little. Jack tilted his head and looked at him. Was there a hint of fear in the younger man's eyes? The Captain smiled and moved up to kiss him. "But not without you, idiot!"

Ianto relaxed again, so quickly that Jack thought he'd just imagined the brief moment of unease. "No, 'course not. You need me, after all, don't you - bet you can't do another day without my coffee", the younger man teased. Now, a curious smile played around his lips as he continued: "So, Jack, if not Torchwood - what do you have in mind?"

Jack bit his lip. "Well...", he started hesitantly, mindlessly brushing his index finger over Ianto's chest. "Y'know, when I first thought I could do it - actually leave, I mean - I had this nice little plan. Earth has become a bit small, don't you think?"

Ianto's eyes widened. "Y-you mean? But... how?"

Jack grinned. "Vortex Manipulator. Last thing I did before I left - I got it out of the ruins of the Hub. I knew that I'd find it undamaged - it's been through worse."

"Where is it now?", Ianto asked curiously, as Jack hadn't worn the device when they had met.

"Left it with my coat and my other stuff. I... I didn't want to bring it all along... Would have been much easier then to just run off last second..."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Yeah... whatever", he cut the Captain short, making clear that he didn't need an explanation. They'd had this discussion, after all. "So, question still stands - how? Vortex Manipulator, okay. Never knew though that it could get you into space just like that."

"Yeah, it's not that easy", Jack said, shrugging his shoulders. "Not _anymore_ , that is. Anyway, what I can do is send a signal into space, and you know, right place, right time, right aliens... basically, we could get a lift. And I've done the calculations for a while now... about three months from now, there should be a suitable ship, just at the edge of this solar system, that could pick us up! That means, of course, that we've still got some time, so no need to rush any decisions - but what do you say? I could show you the stars, Ianto Jones."

The sparkle in Ianto's eyes had become brighter and brighter with every word Jack had said, and as the Captain had finished, he beamed at the man with a wide smile. "So... you and me in space, huh? Never dreamt of that!"

"I take that as a 'yes', Mr. Jones?", Jack asked playfully, moving up and bringing his face close to Ianto's.

"Oh yeah, Sir. _Yes_ ", the younger man whispered and leaned in for a kiss.

"Hmmm", Jack pondered, returning the kiss and sliding his tongue over Ianto's soft lips. "Three months time in between... we could travel this planet together... with Torchwood, you saved the Earth so many times, Ianto. It's about time you actually get to see some of it."

"Yeah, would love that, too", Ianto muttered tenderly; then he suddenly pulled back to look at Jack. There was a light frown on his face as he locked his eyes with the Captain's. "But, actually, it doesn't matter where I am, as long as I am with you."

Jack didn't answer. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Ianto and held him tight. He felt the younger man returning the embrace, and burried his head in the crook of Ianto's neck. They stayed like this for a long time before Ianto carefully pulled away, entwining his fingers with Jack's. "Time to see the world", he whispered, leaning his forehead against the Captain's. "Never been to Rome before. Seems like a good place to begin with. And you probably know all the secret spots no tourists ever find, don't you?"

Jack chuckled, and Ianto joined in before he pressed a gentle kiss on the older man's forehead. "Let's start here."


End file.
